COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON: THE NORTH vs. THE SOUTH (sorry, have not had time to edit/reformat)

WOMENS ATTIRE

Up north: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front

pocket.

Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara

(waterproof), concealer, and a

fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that's what dates are for.

STADIUM SIZE:

Up north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.

Down South: High school football stadiums hold 20,000.

NAMES:

Up north: Doug Flutie

Down South: Herschel Walker

WEATHER:

Up north: Snow and ice.

Down South: Sunny, high in the mid-60s, lows in the 30s.

FATHERS:

Up north: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE:

Up north: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt with jeans.

Down South: Male: pressed khakis, oxford shirt and cap with frat logo.

Female: ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots,

oxford.

ALUMNI:

Up north: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.

Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don't leave for the NFL.

CAMPUS DÉCOR:

Up north: Statues of founding fathers.

Down South: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN:

Up north: Also a physics major.

Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES:

Up north: Mario Cuomo

Down South: "Bear" Bryant

GETTING TICKETS:

Up north: 5 hours before the game you can walk into the ticket office on

campus and still purchase

tickets.

Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on

campus and still be

placed on a waiting list.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME:

Up north: Students and teachers are not sure if they are going to the game

because they have classes the next day.

Down South: It is considered a campus holiday. Many professors also cancel

Thursday classes so

everyone can get a head start for the game that night.

PARKING:

Up north: An hour before the game, the university opens up the campus

parking area.

Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin to roll in on Wednesday

for the weekend's

festivities. The real faithful come on Tuesday. The die-hards have been

there since last week's game.

GAME DAY:

Up north: A few students party in the dorm room and watch ESPN on TV.

Down South: Every student wakes up, parties, and then rushes over to where

ESPN is broadcasting Game Day "Live" to get on camera and wave at the idiots

from up north who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING:

Up north: Wieners on the grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local

radio station with truck tailgate down.

Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking

accompanied by live performance from the hottest band around. Males have at

least a handle of bourbon for themselves.

Females are giving the choice of drinking beer or bourbon.

(Note: drinking beer will lead to them being blackballed from the rest of

the group.)

GETTING TO THE STADIUM:

Up north: You have to ask, Where's the stadium? When you find it, you walk

right in without having

to wait in line.

Down South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On gameday, it becomes the

state's second largest

city.

CONCESSIONS:

Up north: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.

Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it

filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED:

Up north: Stands are less than half full.

Down South: 80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE:

Up north: Nothing changes.

Down South: Cannon fire with a twist of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE):

Up north: Nice play.

Down South: *!?$ you slow #%$?* tackle him and break his legs!!

COMMENTARY (FEMALE):

Up north: My, this is a violent sport.

Down South: *!?$ you slow #%$?* tackle him and break his legs!!

AFTER THE GAME:

Up north: The stadium is empty before the game ends.

Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While someone goes to the

nearest package store

for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's party